Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
