Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
