I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
