Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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