hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
