Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
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I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
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There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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