guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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