a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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