I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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