I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
