Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
