she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
