i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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