How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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