If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
