You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
