I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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