Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
