dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
