So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
