tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
