We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
It's shark week go big or go home
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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