we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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