my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I think my vagina is haunted
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
