I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
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Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
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I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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