Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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