And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
