Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
