no, he came in my armpit
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
