I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
