guys are only as good as the porn they watch
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
