Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
