I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
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Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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