I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
It's just like the Real World with babies
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
