you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
