I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
