Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
