he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
