she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I have post one night stand depression
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
