Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
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You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
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They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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