Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just had sex on a roof
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
