Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
