I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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