Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
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