So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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