Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
This is not my ceiling
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
