I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
