"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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