You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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