I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
