I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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