What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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