I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
