I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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