this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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