if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
