Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
