I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
