My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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