Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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