Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
