I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
