OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
