He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
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