I wish I only lived at night.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
